If Micro Machines were still a legitimate thing, I would be a very happy man. You might be asking, “but didn’t they release a Micro Machines game recently?” and I would stop you there before you embarrassed yourself because THAT GAME DOES NOT DESERVE A SINGLE MENTION IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF ANYTHING ANYWHERE. Very rarely has a game so wanted by myself been so thoroughly, thoroughly unwanted within so short a space of time.

It was garbage. It was a garage of garbage. How could they do that to us after all that time? Insert Tyra Banks ‘WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU’ gif here.

I mention Micro Machines because Supersonic Software were the developers of Micro Machines games in the early days on the Mega Drive. And here they are again in the semi-advent of 3D gaming with their second game on the PS1: Circuit Breakers, a sort-of-sequel to their initial racing attempt Supersonic Racers.

And it’s… just… not the same.

I don’t really want to spend most of this review comparing the game to Micro Machines, but when the shoe fits, let’s not cut the toes off. For all the good intentions this game has, there isn’t something inherently a bit off-putting about the game. It is fundamentally a solidly put-together game that can be joyful, frustrating and a lot of fun overall to play. I will call a spade a spade here and say that Circuit Breakers does racing right… for the most part.

OK, maybe I won’t call it a spade. Maybe it’s a… spafe.

For all intents and purposes, Micro Machines does not quite do 3D very well and here is another example of how that series hasn’t gelled with the third dimension. And yes, I know it ISN’T a Micro Machines game but the closest relative this has gaming-wise would be Micro Machines V3… and even that was a flawed experience.

Circuit Breakers has more issues, somehow…

Part of the problem stems in the way the game is set up. There’s a coldness to the industrial, garage-like feel to the way the game is presented. Yes, it’s a neat way of showing off the game but it also feels quite cold and lifeless. There’s no flair or joy to it. You choose a car-type (which makes very little difference to the game’s experience, it is purely aesthetic INSERT HIPSTER GIF HERE), and then you’re driven into a garage to choose a track to play. Initially, there are 4 to play across four different areas and any time you place first, you unlock another one. HOWEVER. The only ones you can unlock are the ones above it on the chequered flag…

Look, it makes sense, honestly.

The track progression is laid out on a chequered flag. The first four tracks sit at the bottom and unlocking any tracks gives you the next one above it on the flag. Now… this is a double-edged sword at times because slogging your way through some of the tracks can be quite painful. Some are fine, they feel as though they’re fair and well-designed and the computer AI is, at best, quite fair.

AND THEN YOU WIN A RACE AND YOU’RE HORRIFICALLY HANDICAPPED FOREVER.

As you start a race at the back of the pack and every other car leaves well ahead of you, you are automatically on the back foot. There’s no rubber-banding to give you the slightest of chances – you’re basically done if you make the tiniest of errors. Fall off the side into the water? 8th place. Get bashed into a wall? 8th place. Hit by a weapon? 8th place.

It became a fascinating frustration for me that I would be such a glutton for punishment. Yes, OK, the game’s ridiculously steep difficulty curve made me angry, and YES I played on because I sort of wanted to, but to be honest, when I was missing top 3 finishes by the tiniest of margins, I was getting bored. I wasn’t having fun.

AND MICRO MACHINES GAMES ARE FUN, PEOPLE. THEY’RE THE MOST FUN I’VE EVER HAD IN GAMING, PARTICULARLY WHEN YOU CAN SPEND A FEW MINUTES COLLIDING WITH YOUR BROTHER’S TINY CAR ON A SPONGE TRAVERSING OVER A SINK.

WHERE’S MY SPONGE? WHERE’S MY SINK?

WHERE’S. MY. FUN?

There are, however, a plethora of tracks to play on and eventually unlocking them all feels quite rewarding, albeit frustratingly so. Playing through some of the tracks can feel anger-inducing though. Part of that comes from the game’s perplexing choice to not include the track map on the screen. Instead, what we get is a circle with each car’s position travelling around it and a little timer in the middle that shows how far you are behind or in front of the leading CPU car.

But not having the track map on the screen at all means you’re forced to learn the tracks by heart and actually… that’s not as much fun. You get GIVEN a 3D track map before you enter the levels, but these aren’t actually super helpful because that means you’re having to remember the track BEFORE you enter the level.

The timer itself is a good idea, mind. It gives you that feeling that they’re only X seconds in front… or on the other hand, it’s giving you that feeling that you’re X seconds behind and you need to restart the race IMMEDIATELY.

And then we have the track design as well.

Which is… patchy? There are some reasonable ones, but I do feel as though their overall design could have been a lot more forgiving, giving the difficulty the game springs onto you from the off. The reason there’s so little room for error is that there are a large number of odd choices in the game’s track designs. Throwing in gateways where you have to drive through narrower gaps, ridiculous bumps that seem to slow YOU down but barely bother your opponents, barrierless curves and claustrophobic turns – there is always SOMETHING new to have to deal with. This is good for variety, and don’t get me wrong, I think some of the ideas are great to implement, AS LONG AS THEY’RE IMPLEMENTED FAIRLY AND/OR WELL. In this case, it can be difficult to see them coming and be even more difficult to recover from.

The levels set in Venice have walls all around that you are consistently bumping into because the turns are all 90-degree lefts and rights which have you sliding around with water vehicles, potentially colliding into said walls or your opponents. See, THEY do a better job of recovering. But they seem to have this unenviable way of going around a corner so perfectly that you just need to smash into one corner for your race to be doomed. Genuinely, that level took for fourteen attempts to even get anything above fourth and even after that, it took me another nine to come first.

I like racing games but I was struggling to like them after THAT level alone!

Graphically, I find no qualms with Circuit Breakers at all. There really is very little else they could have done with the game to make it look better without compromising a few things. The textures can look a bit ropey at times, but in general, there is enough vibrancy to make it look appealing enough.

Yes, they probably could be a little bit more colourful, although that wouldn’t be entirely realistic and it might clash with the cars a little bit, the odd bits of vibrant colour in the backgrounds and layouts would have been nice. I feel like I’m having to nit-pick here though, so take that with a pinch of salt it needs (MUST NOT MANGLE ANOTHER ANALOGY…).

But the mangled, pitchy growls of the engines can get a little bit grating after a while, in much the same vein as Micro Machines V3’s engines did. However, they felt more appropriate in that game considering the size the cars were MEANT to be, whereas here, they’re meant to be normal-sized cars and it can get a little more annoying quicker for that reason.

Nit-picking again? Maybe. But I hold my mini-racing games to a high standard! I’m a connoisseur! Je suis un connaisseur des jeux Micro Machines! Mais bien sûr! Or I need to get a different hobby. Shush.

I think going into Circuit Breakers, you need to take it as the game that is presented to you and not go in comparing it to anything else. However, that still highlights a few major issues that do curb the enjoyment somewhat. The aforementioned difficulty spikes are a major problem for fun because it instantly locks you out of the game’s tracks. Having to win your way through the tracks to unlock them for use in multiplayer can feel a bit mean.

OK, there are time trials, and these can a way of learning the layout of the tracks, I grant you, but I do question a few of the design choices which can – albeit unintentionally – feel irksome to the player. And besides… playing the game in single player means that YOU will get better and know the layout, whereas your opponent/playing partner/significant other/brother-who-needs-to-get-off-my-sponge does not – which obviously gives you the advantage.

BUT IF THE TRACK LAYOUT WAS ON THE SCREEN…

In Micro Machines V3 – I swear I’ll try not to bring up comparisons anymore – the camera was one of the game’s main issues. It darted about a lot and made it difficult to control where you were as it didn’t stay focussed behind you or on top of you. In Circuit Breakers, the camera seems to have the same idea. It darts about, turning corners at odd times as you traverse the track, and it can often make the experience quite offputting. I grant that this isn’t exactly the doyen of racing games, and this genre has rarely been as such, but there are games where the camera follows the racer and this would genuinely work better here, rather than having to wait for the camera to give you some idea as to where you’re meant to go.

And this in turn with the game’s slightly dodgy controls makes the game even more difficult.

First off, a disclaimer: the controls are not awful. They are spot-on responsive.

They’re just… icy?

For want of a better term, the turning mechanics are not slick enough and they slip around far more than I was expecting. And then at times, the cars feel heavy and show little added momentum around corners. It’s odd. It picks and chooses its moments. To be fair, the majority of the heavier controls happen with the water-based tracks, which do at least try to add some variety I SUPPOSE.

BUT WATER.

WATER IN GAMES IS BAD.

WE HATE WATER IN GAMES.

No exceptions here either…

Something that IS missing is for there be any sort of career mode or cups/tournaments to enter. As such, there is a real feel of bare-bones-ness to the game.

And that’s before you get to grips with the additional tracks that were downloadable tracks you could get off demo discs from the Official Playstation Magazine.

WHAT. A. BRILLIANT. IDEA.

I think it was the only game that did that but that’s like the first ever DLC and to give it away for free… what a bloody brilliant idea.

It’s a bit of a shame that the tracks still suffered from the same problems as the others.

Essentially, Circuit Breakers is nothing more than OK. It’s more irritating than it should be – camera, track design, over-sensitive controls – but it’s by no means a bad experience.

Just one that doesn’t make me want a sequel.

There was one though.

A remake. Of the same game. On the PS2.

Only with more Comics Sans.

I am NOT fucking kidding you.