Yes, the rest of the show was fine, and the entire thing ended with Kane returning to the fold with not just one, but TWO new masks, but getting through the first couple bits was like storming the beach at Normandy. Very few of us would actually survive the assault, but once we were able to occupy the dunes, we were home free.
Booker T and a jive-talking, afro'd Hornswoggle came out to award JR with a Slammy for humiliating himself in the ring, which then led to a whole new segment where JR had to humiliate himself in the ring. And it, and Michael Cole's speech, all just oozed with Vince McMahon's contempt for JR and his anger towards the fans who love Ross and never wanted to see him forced into retirement from the announcers table. Vince can get extremely psycho-peeved when we don't readily accept his decrees. And so Michael Cole, and what Michael Cole has become, is now our punishment. I'll get into the horrid, unwatchable segment that kicked off the show in a little bit, but first I want to talk a bit about Kane and how much I LOVE MASKED KANE!
Many of us, with the new Kane promos, were hoping that when Kane returned, he'd be masked. Boy, did Chrismukkah come early. Kane got himself all Russian-dolled up and had a mask within a mask. And the top one made him look like Predator and the one underneath was like the one Undertaker wore after Yokozuna farted on his face! Some people tweeted to me that they hoped he would explain the new masks on Smackdown, but I hope he never explains them. Yes, I might want closure on the Anonymous RAW GM (and even GTV), but I don't need to know why Kane is now wearing two badass masks. Unless he wants to go on the record and explain why he isn't wearing THREE badass masks.
I love monsters. I love demonic, fantasy art-looking s*** and I sorely miss the idea of the "monster" in pro-wrestling. Yes, the theme is a bit played out and many feel that a vicious monster-persona will only get you so far and that you need layers to the character. To which I say "f*** off." I don't care about giving monsters feelings. It was the worst thing to happen to Abyss in TNA. This is 'Merica. We love cool freakin' masks. We'd elect Boba Fett president if we could. So Kane is back, and this is a perfect time -- seeing as how they've now opted to make him look like Super Shredder -- for him to be an unbeatable ogre. Another thing that was strange last night were all the people tweeting me asking if that was really Kane. I think some thought that his face, in the second mask, didn't quite look like him. Rest assured though, it was him. His body was all "Kane-y." I've studied his form. His shape. The way his tights caress his curves. His Kane-specific bulges. Wow, look at me talking about "tweeting" so damn much. I must have caught that bug that's going around. That sucks up both one's will to be productive and one's will to not bother people with how many taquitos I just ate.
So Kane is back and I'm excited. The only thing I'm scared of is him getting anywhere near Undertaker come WrestleMania time. I don't need to see Kane/Taker III. I mean, I already know that Triple H/Taker III isn't going to top part II, but it's the one I definitely want to see. It was puzzling last night to hear Triple H say "the streak is broken." Which could just mean that Taker will never wrestle again therefore the streak has ended, but that's not what we all heard, right? He tried to throw in a little "Undertaker was beaten so badly by me that you might as well just say I won the match and broke the streak." Which was dumb times fifty. If this is the angle they're going for with Triple H vs. Taker III, then they need to quietly and humbly head back to the etch-a-sketch and give it another go. But Triple H won a Slammy for Tombstoning Taker in one of the Slammys four or five awards given to some sort of things that happened over the past year. Seriously, aside from Superstar of the Year, they were all "OMG Looky Looky Wowzers Did That Just Happen? Did He Just Say That? Where The F*** Is My D***?" awards. Did they even have a Match of the Year award? By the way, Triple H recently wound up on Boston Phoenix's list of the "Most Unappealing Men of 2011." I was robbed, I tell you!
More from RAW on page 2…
The Slammys, for those of you who don't know, are…well, I'll let the WWE take it from here. "For 25 years, one award has represented excellence in entertainment." That's right. The mothereffin' Slammy. It's all anyone can ever talk about. Who will win this prestigious prize? To hell with all those other awards that are given honestly to people who make the world a better and brighter place with their talents and acumen. Of course, I kid a bit. The Slammys are harmless. The "ceremonies" are painful, but there are plenty of "legit" awards out there that are also pretty feckless. The People's Choice Awards are coming up, and sometimes an actor or movie that I actually like pops up as a nominee, but I'd never vote for them since it would mean that I might accidentally win them a People's Choice Awards.
Cena won a Slammy for Biggest Something or Other That Happened and came out and said that his match against The Rock would change the game forever. Unless these two planned on battling on the moon with laser cats, I don't really know how any kind of "game" in wrestling can be changed. They are two big stars and they will headline WrestleMania. They will do the moves that we all know they can do. Someone will probably go through a table. The ref might get bumped. How will this change the landscape of the business?
Yes, I'm getting way too caught up in the WWE's usual ferocious brand-specific hyperbole, but these are the things that you notice when you become an older wrestling fan who probably should have outgrown this s*** years ago. You fixate. Because it's all so forced. And you just have to smile and accept it for what it is. And you for who you are. Maybe the Slammys ARE the most important award ever bestowed upon a human being? Maybe The Rock vs. Cena WILL change the entire world? Maybe Jake Gyllenhaal's food IS his best and only friend?
So the Slammys are pretty much just a way to look back at the year and do the whole "Remember when?" thing. It's fine. We got to see Mick Foley, Lita, Road Dogg Jesse James, Tony Atlas, Goldust and a bunch of other folks that you don't really get to see on TV anymore. Again, there's always that disconnect between the fans who paid money to see a live show and the people watching at home. The split between giving the crowd their money's worth and putting on an entertaining TV show. The crowd seemed to not give any kind of crap whatsoever about the legends presenting awards. So did they just not care, or were they not old enough to care? I can't say, but what I do know is that my favorite moment of the night, aside from CM Punk's tribute video to Dynamic Dude John Laurinaitis, was Tony Atlas laughing at David Otunga. It just kept going and going. And Otunga was like "What are you laughing at?" And Atlas said – and this is the truly the only thing the writers were willing to give us – "I'm laughing at you." Wow. It was almost super-sonic. I loved it. Because, well, he was simply laughing at David Otunga. And nothing else.
Now, onto the amazing Laurinaits video which featured a montage of Ace being boring, flubbing lines, tripping, getting his ass kicked and looking like an idiot as part of the old WCW tag team The Dynamic Dudes. I've showed you guys the Dynamic Dudes here in the Wrap Up, but now the WWE has finally unleashed the neon hounds by making his identity fully known to all watching. And, of course, I endorse any use of Stan Bush's "The Touch." That song will play at my wake on a loop.
So yeah. This was amazing. I'll probably name my next kid after it. Or my next polyp. Whichever. Something close to me and gross.
More from RAW on page 3…
So there was a lot of stuff shoved into last night's RAW and I don't really want to waste my entire day recapping every item, but Snooki showed up via satellite, CM Punk won Superstar of the Year and Cole wanted to know what JR's brainfart smelled like. Oh, and Cole's been on his usual JR tear as of late and actually made fun of his Bell's Palsy. I guess it was only a matter of time. On Smackdown, Cole said "Actually, there is nothing wrong with my mouth, unlike J.R.'s." So we've hit a new, flavorful low here.
And that remark, plus the whole opening segment on RAW has really now pushed me past Cole hate and into a some sort of serious form of scorn for the WWE because of how they use, direct and enable Cole. How they allow him to ravage their entire TV shows and how they feed him the things to say. I wonder if anyone will ever equate the WWE's flat-to-declining ratings with the fact that Michael Cole is ruining people's experience of the product.
So last night, and on Smackdown, Cole interrupted a segment and took over. Spouting insults that no one will object to, falsehoods that no one will dispute and making sucking every ounce of possible enjoyment out of the shows. But last night, it came right at the top of the show. And if you're going to have Cole derail the show that early then you at least have to have something bad happen to him. Someone needs to hit him with their finisher. So that he can't go right back to the announcer table and gripe even more about what just happened. For f***'s sake, we need a breather.
Now, more than ever, I appreciate the Wrap Up fan who brought the GDYC sign to Smackdown last week. The message is out there. We're all ready to occupy, I dunno, something! Let slip the dogs of war!
And the whole atrocity exhibit that was the opening bit kicked things off with Hornswoggle dressing up like some sort of "blackploitation" caricature. Why? Because he was next to Booker-T? And how far does the TV-PG rating extended to the word "shiiiii?" As in s*** without the "T." Because it seemed like Jiveswoggle slipped a bit there. Also, was there a reason Cole called JR a bowl of chocolate pudding? Couldn't he just been pudding?
The entire thing, from the rap battle to the JR-roony, was laced with a strangely offensive tone. Plus, it ate ass. But instead of me just coming up with three or four different ways of telling you it sucked, which you already know, I'd like to possibly use the time to inspire us all to go out into the world and be better people. Better citizens. Because some sort of "good" should come from this. Something noticeable and measurable. Some sort of public works project that will bring smiles to the faces of children.
Speaking if kids, I see the "It Begins" videos are still rolling. Man, I can't wait for whoever this dude is to roll in and...make fun of kids while they're in detention. And yell at the one little girl for not having a hall pass. Yes, I'd love it if these videos were for the return of Dean Douglas.
Smackdown, plus Impact Wrestling, results on page 4…
Of course Hornswoggle was on Smackdown too, almost officially becoming a part of the Sheamus package. And for those who were confused about Swoggle's newfound vocabulary, Cole was there to explain it. "Didn't you know, Josh? Hornswoggle can speak now. He got that wish from Santa last week and now he can talk." Yes, this is now part of the official show bible. It's part of the Smackdown series continuity. Maybe every year they can have Santa magically change a stagnant part of someone's character. I know that's what I use him for. Well, that and as an excuse to break into people's homes and eat their pfeffernusse cookies.
Also on Smackdown…more of the Rhodes/Booker/Bryan program that mostly makes me upset because of how much Cole has to play a part in it. At least the matches will be entertaining. Also, Aksana now has mookie eyes for Cody. Oh, and my absolute favorite part of Smackdown was Otunga trying to explain to Teddy Long that Mick Foley shouldn't have placed him in an match during the holiday episode because - are you ready? – HE WAS ONLY THERE FOR THE PARTY! That's right. The hottest party in town! Complete with punch, pretzels and a potted plant over in the corner.
Impact was good. I won't got too much into it since their Turning Point PPV aired on Sunday so it's really those events that matter, story-wise, but it's probably worth mentioning that Roode spit in Dixie Carter's face, Gunner piledrove Garrett Bischoff onto the concrete and Pope had Devon's sons come in and beat on Matt Morgan. I didn't catch the Pay Per View, but it seemed clear that Styles wouldn't win the belt from Roode simply because he was Roode's first title challenger and most of the time the first challenger never gets the gold.
Jeff Jarrett lost his PPV match against Jeff Hardy which now means that ONE of the Jarretts has to leave TV for a while. And no, it's not going to be Karen. She's staying put. Which is both unnerving and sensible. Since, you know, she just started being the top heel in the Knockouts division. Jeff's going to be the one to get "fired" and he's going to use the time to head over to, of all places, India with friend-of-the-Wrap Up Dave Lagana and indie star Joey Ryan for some special TV project.
As you read here a few weeks ago, ex-WWE writer Lagana was hired to develop international TV shows outside of the Impact and Xplosion. It's just, well, strange news all in all. Whoever thought TNA would have a special "India Project." Or that India would be a hotbed for anything wrestling-related. I know The Great Khali is, like, their president over there of some s***, but who knew. I don't think the Knockouts are quite "India-ready" since they seem to be fairly uptight about sluttage over there.
Oh, and apparently all the whore/skank comments that Karen hurls at Velvet are because there's backstage heat on Velvet for being a whore/skank. So they care more about petty, inside insults than getting their stars over. Again this is just a rumor based on TNA's reaction to the rumor that Velvet is promiscuous. It's twice-removed hearsay. But also…wasn't Karen the woman who actually cheated on her husband in real life? Whatever. I don't know who to pass judgment on anymore. I find great joy in calling Kelly Kelly an unabashed slut but the truth is that I love sluts. They're slutty. "Being a whore" is the Fifth Element, right? It's in the Bill of Rights. Right next to the part where you get to rate your Senators on their customer service attentiveness and the presentation/serving temperature of the meal. Comes with a word jumble too.
For more of my usual slapdash, hodgepodge, mishmash, ramshackle absurdity, follow me on…god now the WWE has made it kind of a dirty word haven't they? Twitter. There, I said it. Now I need a Silkwood shower to wash the "bad touch" away. I taste copper.
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