Ruud van Nistelrooy hits the sweet spot for Hamburg

Turkeys don't really vote for Christmas. But on Saturday, Stuttgart came very close to thanking their tormentor for a lovely 3-1 home defeat. Any other side would have cursed the fickle Fußballgott (god of football) after conceding two goals in 90 seconds to lose a match that they were dominating. The Swabians, however, were just as enamoured with the devastating finishing power of their opponent's latest arrival as his team-mates. They couldn't help themselves.

"I'm happy to see a player like him in the Bundesliga, he's got extraordinary class," said the VfB sporting director, Horst Heldt. "He's a very, very good striker," said Jens Lehmann, who remembers the odd tussle from encounters in the Premier League – as well as one missed penalty. "You have to try to keep him out of the box at all cost. He took those goals brilliantly." Yes, after only 28 minutes on the pitch, Rutgerus Johannes Martinus van Nistelrooy's exploits have already caught up with the incessant hype that followed his transfer from Real Madrid in January.

His arrival was hailed as a coup for star-starved German club football, as a sign that the good, great and outrageously expensive can now be persuaded to forsake Latin-Anglo-Saxon glamour for full stadiums and paychecks on time. The fact that he is a) 33, and b) injured, did not stop Hamburg's broadsheets and tabloids from going a) completely orange and b) totally over the top with giddy wall-to-wall coverage that chronicled his every minute spent on the massage bench or in the stand.

Bild, for example, revealed that Van Nistelrooy's favourite dessert was pizza with Nutella, a sickly-sweet concoction dreamt up by his favourite Italian chef from Tute e Pepino in Madrid. "I had it delivered to the changing room," said the Dutchman. He knows a thing or two about Italian finger food in the tunnel, of course. One can only hope that "Pizza Ruud" won't be available if Cesc Fábregas turns up at the Bernabéu with Barcelona next season. You wouldn't want to get that heavy, hard-to-shift brown stuff on your jacket.

Against Cologne last week, Van Nistelrooy came on three minutes before the end, just in time to see his new team concede a late 3-3 equaliser. Midway through the second half in the Mercedes-Benz Arena, the northerners looked set to go down to defeat. Stuttgart were bossing the match after Christian Träsch had cancelled out Marcus Berg's opener with a fine curler from outside the box.

The HSV manager Bruno Labbadia brought on the eager Van Nistelrooy 25 minutes before the end. The veteran, ahem, raced out of the blocks and took just four touches and 11 minutes to decide the game. First, he ghosted in behind the Stuttgart defence to hit a deft left-foot volley past Lehmann, then he expertly converted a Berg assist with his right. "He scored two goals that were spectacular in terms of their simplicity and matter of fact style," wrote Süddeutsche Zeitung.

The whole Hamburg bench jumped on the match winner after his second goal. Van Nistelrooy made a point of thanking "the physios, bus-driver and kit-men" later. In the wake of all the "goal-machine" and "world class" headlines, staff and players were pleasantly surprised to find the new recruit a very humble, down-to-earth customer. "He's very relaxed, a normal human being", said David Jarolim while his manager Labbadia expanded on the theme: "Ruud is a top pro and has behaved in a normal manner from the first minute – that's not normal these days."

The super-normal Mr "Ruud van-tastisch", praised as "the best box player in the world" by Berg, was taken aback by his immediate impact. "I was desperate to play but scoring two goals surprised me," he said modestly, before celebrating his performance with a cola and chocolate bar in the airport departure lounge.

On Thursday, he'll try to hit the sweet spot again when Hamburg play his former club PSV Eindhoven in the Europa League. The Holland manager Bert van Marwijk is expected to check out whether German excitement about the poacher's comeback (and the imminent arrival of a flood of other top stars keen to sample Bundesliga defenders' flat-footedness) is justified. "I do hope that I will be able to help him a bit in South Africa," said Van Nistelrooy, who has certainly helped his club manager. Labbadia was set to have his staying power doubted but can now ride on the wave of Ruud euphoria for a few weeks.

Talking points

Contrary to reports, the Bundesliga does sex scandals, too. But ours are equal opportunities sex scandals. Former match official Manfred Amerell resigned from the board of the German FA's referee committee after referee Michael Kempter complained of sexual harassment by the 62-year-old last week. Amerell has fervently denied any wrongdoing but admitted having an "intensive private friendship" with Kempter, 27. He also released a text message from the young ref ("I can't do without you, neither") to prove his innocence, a step that was heavily criticised by the FA. Newspaper reports allege that more referees might come forward. "This isn't just about me," said Kempter in a terse statement.

Today Bild reported that Werder Bremen want to buy Hannover keeper Florian Fromlowitz for €5m. Anyone who saw the 5-1 away win from Thomas Schaaf's men in the AWD-Arena on Saturday might wonder if the deal's already gone through. Fromlowitz, 23, was badly at fault for two of Werder's goals. The visitors romped to their third win on the trot in all competitions to embarrass the silly doomsayers. If Schaaf spoke French (or indeed any audible sentences), he'd probably say it's like deja vu all over again. Hannover have meanwhile picked the up the grand sum of null Punkte from seven games. President Martin Kind's legal action to change the ownership structure of German football clubs might succeed just in time for a Munto Finance-type take-over in the 2.Bundesliga.

All three top sides won, albeit in widely differing fashion. League leaders Leverkusen showed both guile and nerves when they overcame an improved Wolfsburg side 2-1. Stefan Reinartz and Eren Derdiyok were named as scorers for Bayer – Edin Dzeko pulled one back – but the goals really belonged to Wolfsburg keeper André Lenz. He made one bad mistake and then got unlucky when Derdiyok's long-distance shot bounced off his leg on the way down from the post. With 25 points from 22 games, Wolfsburg are apparently the worst champions in Europe. Leverkusen, on the other hand, are only game away from equalling Bayern's record of 23 games without defeat. Fittingly, Jupp Heynckes was in charge in Munich 21 years ago. "I don't remember the record but I do remember winning the league then," said the Leverkusen manager.

Rib & Rob played Katz & Maus with the Dortmund defence in the Allianz Arena but decided to desist completely from tracking back in order to even things up a little. The 3-1 scoreline – with goals from Mark van Bommel, Arjen Robben and Mario Gómez after Mohamed Zidan got the opener – flattered both sides. Dortmund created "10 100% opportunities", according to manager Jürgen Klopp. Bayern, despite their defenders' worst efforts, could have easily scored five or six, too. They remain second, on goal difference.

Schalke's 2-0 win over Köln was rather less entertaining but you can't help but marvel at Felix Magath's ability to coax extraordinary results from a distinctly ordinary squad. It's frightening to think what he could do with a few decent players at his disposal.

Results: Borussia M'gladbach 2-1 Nürnberg, Leverkusen 2–1 Wolfsburg, Stuttgart 1–3 Hamburg, Bochum 2–1 Hoffenheim, Hannover 1–5 Bremen, Hertha 1–1 Mainz, Bayern 3–1 Dortmund, Schalke 2–0 Köln, Frankfurt 2-1 Freiburg.